What This Blog Is Not

There are many amazing blogs out there written by pediatricians and other medical experts about issues that are common to parents, such as how to deal with colds, what to feed your toddler, when to know that your child needs to be seen by a physician.

You will not find any of that information on this blog. I do not plan to reinvent the wheel. There are many other wonderful blogs by other pediatricians that address those issues. Google search "pediatrician blogs" and you will find a wealth of amazing information.

This blog is all about things that I wish someone told me when I encountered difficulties in raising my own children. Okay, let's be honest. I STILL encounter difficulties in raising my own children. The only reason I have any idea that my children are actually good for society is that their teachers or other parents and adults have commented positively on them, whether it be sports, in school, or letting them stay with friends and family and we are not physically around. Which to me speaks to how we are actively choosing to raise them: to be positive contributors to society.

My passion in keeping children healthy goes beyond assisting parents with diagnosing and treating a rash, figuring out if a child has an ear infection, or differentiating between a common cold and a pneumonia. Those are things that I feel are best left to a family physician who knows a child's underlying medical health history.

What This Blog Is

This blog is about child well-being in the holistic sense. It is about the greater importance of emotional intelligence over academic intelligence in order for children to become successful adults. It is about the importance of social-emotional regulation, active parenting, and striving to be an authoritarian parent, which according to Angela Duckworth, PhD, is the best parenting style to grow children who have tremendous grit.

This blog is about the importance of the words we choose to praise children; where natural brilliance and intelligence is not nearly as important as effort, according to Carol Dweck, PhD.

This blog is about the need to foster good gut health through nutrition, in order for optimal gene expression to occur. What this means is that who we REALLY are, is a by-product of the bacteria that LIVES INSIDE OF US.

This blog is about things such as what really motivates us, as outlined by business expert Daniel Pink and business economist Dan Ariely, or understanding what it really is that makes children succeed, as outlined by Paul Tough in his book, How Children Succeed. All of this can be applied to the health of our children.

While I pull from my expertise as a physician, I also received B.A in anthropology with a concentration in human biology. As an indigenous practioner, I deeply connect with references to anthropology and psychology, as well as embrace theories in child education and business. People often think of business as a cut-throat way to cheat someone else out of money; however in reality, to run a successful community or organization, and especially a successful family or personal relationship, behavioral economics is significantly important. Bringing together knowledge from different disciplines is genuinely intriguing to me: it reiterates that WE ARE ALL CONNECTED, our disciplines, our health, our well-being.

This blog will primarily focus on topics important from prenatal through 5 years of age; a key time period for establishing the foundation for a child's brain as it grows into adulthood. Therefore, putting the information learned here in the blog will work best if you start your journey during the prenatal period; in other words, while you are pregnant. It will work even better if you start before you have conceived a child. It will still work if you apply the teachings before your child is 5 years of age, but having experience in applying this after my twin daughters were 5 years old, I know personally that it is much harder, but possible. It is important to accept that if you start later, the road will be tough and rocky.

This blog is best understood reading it from foundation towards developmental growth. What this means is that even if you start when your child is older, you should still begin building a foundation with lessons outlined for the prenatal period. A foundation needs to be built from the very beginning, irrespective of your child's age. A child's social-emotional development, which is the most important part of child development in terms of growing towards maturity, needs a solid foundation before it is able to flourish.

Therefore, I will say upfront, I have no magical pill. There will never be a single lesson in this blog that says, "Try this 10 minute solution and you will immediately fix your child's problems, whatever they may be!" There are NO quick fixes.

If I have not scared you away yet, then let me leave you with one final note. While being a parent is THE most rewarding occupation I have ever had in my entire life, it is one of THE most difficult. Actually let me retract that. Being a parent AND having a parenting co-partner (in this case, my husband) is THE most difficult thing journey I have ever begun. Being a physician is EASIER than being a parent; at least when it comes to trying to be a parent that cares deeply about the well-being of my child, a parent that sees the role of being a parent as truly a gift, as well as a trying to be a parent who truly respects the opinion of the co-parent, but does not always like the opinion of the co-parent...yes, being a physician is by far easier.

I fall far from perfection on a regular basis - any of my children can vouch for that. So why do I feel I can speak as an expert on this subject when I am far from a perfect parent? Because I have watched my children grow into competent and capable people, enjoyable to myself and others, caring and compassionate, and uniquely wonderful. I deeply believe that is the conscientious work that we put into raising our children that has helped them to grow in such a way.

After reading this lengthy introduction of what the blog is NOT and what the blog IS, if you are interested in learning more, check out The Mahinaona Pages: First Posting.

Two Guiding Principles

One thing that I have learned about raising children is that things get complicated and chaotic really, really fast. Especially when you start with twins (or multiples) first. And then you add another child to the mix ad you are quickly drowning.

It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though you need to be super hero in order to be a parent. There are so many well-intention people that surround us with their love and advice, all telling us different things that it is hard to know what really is the best way to raise our children in order for them to grow up to be successful.

Even coming from a professional background and being surrounded by medical professionals, I found it difficult to know what advice I should take in raising my own children. Some educational and behavioral theories stated that children should enjoy unstructured play until they are older, maybe 7 years of age. Others theories stated that the foundation for brain development is laid by the time a child is 5 years old; therefore we need to start developing their academic capacity by the time they are in the womb!

Throughout the years of trial and error, and more error, and sometimes more error, the experience of parenting and co-parenting that my husband and I have had, has lead us to develop a simple framework from which parenting decisions can flow.

This framework enables us to know the decision that needs to be made, regardless of what situation arises. It makes choosing one activity over another, one school over the other, one experience over the other, a simpler choice.

The Framework

1. Support and nurture social-emotional development FIRST, above ALL types of development.

2. Support a healthy gut, beginning in infancy.

3. Model the habits and lifestyle you would like to see your child develop.

Social-Emotional Intelligence

Social-emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand your feelings and the feelings of others, and use this knowledge to inform how you behave. There is a significant amount of evidence demonstrating that emotional intelligence is more important to success than cognitive intelligence. If you have both cognitive and social-emotional intelligence, then you have the makings of a super-star. If you are high on cognitive intelligence, but low on social-emotional intelligence, then you may struggle in life. An example of this is the "smarty-pants" in the class that knows all the right answers to the questions, but doesn't know how to share the spotlight and therefore does a poor job with teamwork assignments. As our world becomes more and more integrated, being seen as a team player is a premium. If you are low on cognitive intelligence, but high on social-emotional intelligence, you are more likely to be successful even without being a "smarty-pants." An example of this is someone who could not graduate from high school, but understands how to deliver amazing customer service because they intuitively understand what the customer wants. Entrepreneurs of million and billion dollar companies can be found among these type of people. Understanding people and working well with others is a highly desired skill and ability. By ensuring that you raise a child with high social-emotional intelligence, you are best preparing them for the world; a world that values human connection.

A Healthy Gut

A growing area of scientific research has identified a link between the microbes (tiny organisms) that live within us, especially within our gut, or intestines, and our overall health. It affects everything from our behavior, our mood, the manifestation of such diseases as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer's disease, and autism, as well as our genes. The funny thing is that nearly every traditional diet and lifestyle promoted the health of good microbes within us. Which means that our great-great-great grandparents already knew the secret to living healthy, even if they could not scientifically explain it. Leading a life aimed at supporting the health of the microbes in our gut, is one of the best ways to prevent diseases from common childhood illnesses all the way through chronic diseases of adulthood.

Modeling Behavior for Our Children

As the saying goes, "monkey see, monkey do," not "monkey hears, monkey do." Humans are social creatures by nature. We understand how to behave in new situations by observing others who seem to be more knowledgeable in how to behave in that situation. It is much easier to follow along by observation, then it is to listen to instructions and then perform. This is especially true for children. No amount of scolding will make them behave correctly if they see you doing the very thing you do not want them to do. An example of this is yelling at them to stop yelling. That's confusing. I know. I used to do it. Then I couldn't understand why they were always yelling at each other and at me! Children cannot easily recognize the difference between rules for adults and rules for kids, especially when they are younger than the age of 3. They just see rules in black-and-white. They slowly develop the ability to understand that, "Mommy and daddy can do some things that I am not allowed to do," but this understanding comes extremely slowly. They also do not know how to behave instead of the bad behavior that we are trying to stop. Such as, if they are angry and yet they shouldn't yell, how should they behave instead? How would you behave when you are angry? Do you yell? Or do you take a break, walk away, and breathe before re-addressing the issue that made you angry? Observing how you behave gives them tools they can use for themselves in similar situations. Therefore, in order to not confuse your child, as well as to give them tools they can use for themselves, it is better and easier for them if you model the behavior you wish to see in them.

If you start with this framework, decisions will become easier. "What should I make for dinner?" can become phrased as, "What foods will support a healthy gut for my child?" "Does my child need to start preschool right now?" can be re-phrased as, "Is my child getting enough experiences to support the development of his or her social-emotional intelligence?" "How do I get my child to stop throwing temper-tantrums?" can be re-asked as, "Have I shown my child what are acceptable ways to behave when they have big angry feelings? In addition, am I providing the social-emotional support that my child needs in order to facilitate his or her social-emotional development through modeling?"

The right framework can allow you to know what steps to take to help best develop and nurture your child's overall well-being, but it still requires work. But the work is well worth it when your child begins to develop into a person that you truly can marvel and be amazed at, in all their uniqueness and wonder. I know. I've been there.

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