Two Guiding Principles
One thing that I have learned about raising children is that things get complicated and chaotic really, really fast. Especially when you start with twins (or multiples) first. And then you add another child to the mix ad you are quickly drowning.
It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though you need to be super hero in order to be a parent. There are so many well-intention people that surround us with their love and advice, all telling us different things that it is hard to know what really is the best way to raise our children in order for them to grow up to be successful.
Even coming from a professional background and being surrounded by medical professionals, I found it difficult to know what advice I should take in raising my own children. Some educational and behavioral theories stated that children should enjoy unstructured play until they are older, maybe 7 years of age. Others theories stated that the foundation for brain development is laid by the time a child is 5 years old; therefore we need to start developing their academic capacity by the time they are in the womb!
Throughout the years of trial and error, and more error, and sometimes more error, the experience of parenting and co-parenting that my husband and I have had, has lead us to develop a simple framework from which parenting decisions can flow.
This framework enables us to know the decision that needs to be made, regardless of what situation arises. It makes choosing one activity over another, one school over the other, one experience over the other, a simpler choice.
The Framework
1. Support and nurture social-emotional development FIRST, above ALL types of development.
2. Support a healthy gut, beginning in infancy.
3. Model the habits and lifestyle you would like to see your child develop.
Social-Emotional Intelligence
Social-emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand your feelings and the feelings of others, and use this knowledge to inform how you behave. There is a significant amount of evidence demonstrating that emotional intelligence is more important to success than cognitive intelligence. If you have both cognitive and social-emotional intelligence, then you have the makings of a super-star. If you are high on cognitive intelligence, but low on social-emotional intelligence, then you may struggle in life. An example of this is the "smarty-pants" in the class that knows all the right answers to the questions, but doesn't know how to share the spotlight and therefore does a poor job with teamwork assignments. As our world becomes more and more integrated, being seen as a team player is a premium. If you are low on cognitive intelligence, but high on social-emotional intelligence, you are more likely to be successful even without being a "smarty-pants." An example of this is someone who could not graduate from high school, but understands how to deliver amazing customer service because they intuitively understand what the customer wants. Entrepreneurs of million and billion dollar companies can be found among these type of people. Understanding people and working well with others is a highly desired skill and ability. By ensuring that you raise a child with high social-emotional intelligence, you are best preparing them for the world; a world that values human connection.
A Healthy Gut
A growing area of scientific research has identified a link between the microbes (tiny organisms) that live within us, especially within our gut, or intestines, and our overall health. It affects everything from our behavior, our mood, the manifestation of such diseases as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer's disease, and autism, as well as our genes. The funny thing is that nearly every traditional diet and lifestyle promoted the health of good microbes within us. Which means that our great-great-great grandparents already knew the secret to living healthy, even if they could not scientifically explain it. Leading a life aimed at supporting the health of the microbes in our gut, is one of the best ways to prevent diseases from common childhood illnesses all the way through chronic diseases of adulthood.
Modeling Behavior for Our Children
As the saying goes, "monkey see, monkey do," not "monkey hears, monkey do." Humans are social creatures by nature. We understand how to behave in new situations by observing others who seem to be more knowledgeable in how to behave in that situation. It is much easier to follow along by observation, then it is to listen to instructions and then perform. This is especially true for children. No amount of scolding will make them behave correctly if they see you doing the very thing you do not want them to do. An example of this is yelling at them to stop yelling. That's confusing. I know. I used to do it. Then I couldn't understand why they were always yelling at each other and at me! Children cannot easily recognize the difference between rules for adults and rules for kids, especially when they are younger than the age of 3. They just see rules in black-and-white. They slowly develop the ability to understand that, "Mommy and daddy can do some things that I am not allowed to do," but this understanding comes extremely slowly. They also do not know how to behave instead of the bad behavior that we are trying to stop. Such as, if they are angry and yet they shouldn't yell, how should they behave instead? How would you behave when you are angry? Do you yell? Or do you take a break, walk away, and breathe before re-addressing the issue that made you angry? Observing how you behave gives them tools they can use for themselves in similar situations. Therefore, in order to not confuse your child, as well as to give them tools they can use for themselves, it is better and easier for them if you model the behavior you wish to see in them.
If you start with this framework, decisions will become easier. "What should I make for dinner?" can become phrased as, "What foods will support a healthy gut for my child?" "Does my child need to start preschool right now?" can be re-phrased as, "Is my child getting enough experiences to support the development of his or her social-emotional intelligence?" "How do I get my child to stop throwing temper-tantrums?" can be re-asked as, "Have I shown my child what are acceptable ways to behave when they have big angry feelings? In addition, am I providing the social-emotional support that my child needs in order to facilitate his or her social-emotional development through modeling?"
The right framework can allow you to know what steps to take to help best develop and nurture your child's overall well-being, but it still requires work. But the work is well worth it when your child begins to develop into a person that you truly can marvel and be amazed at, in all their uniqueness and wonder. I know. I've been there.
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